How to Win Friends and Influence People The more people you meet, the more you realize this: the ones who eat quickly, walk with a purpose, flare up fast, speak their mind, and have a sharp tongue but a soft heart are often the genuinely kind ones

From the book (adapted):
Forgetting to say thank you is part of human nature. If we keep waiting on gratitude, we’re setting ourselves up for frustration. We complain that others don’t repay kindness—who’s really to blame for our disappointment? People long to be loved, but the surest way to receive love is not to demand it; it’s to give freely, without keeping score. The deepest joy of giving is found in not expecting anything back. If you want to be happier, drop the expectation of thanks and savor the act of giving itself.

Benjamin Franklin wasn’t especially quick-witted as a young man, yet he grew into a master of dealing with people and even served as America’s ambassador to France. His simple rule: “I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.” Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain. Understanding and forgiveness, on the other hand, take character and self-control. As Thomas Carlyle put it, you can see a person’s greatness in how they treat someone with little status. And to borrow a thought often attributed to Dr. Johnson: if God isn’t rushing to judge before the last day, why are we in such a hurry? Don’t criticize, don’t blame, don’t complain.

Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People digs into the messiness of human nature. Through story after story, he shows that real kindness isn’t about polished manners—it’s about sincerity and straightforwardness. In an age obsessed with packaging and image, we’re easily charmed by soft voices and immaculate etiquette. But the longer you’re out in the world, the more you notice a pattern: the people who eat fast, move fast, get impatient, speak bluntly—razor on the tongue, velvet in the heart—are often the most decent, the most worth keeping close.

After finishing the book, I’m even more convinced: genuine kindness doesn’t need fancy wrapping. It’s like the brightest star on a clear night—quiet, steady, and warming all the same.

01  Fast tempers, simple hearts

Carnegie notes that how we behave on the surface often mirrors what’s going on inside. We tend to keep a wary distance from “impatient” types—the friend who polishes off a meal in a few bites, strides as if perpetually late, and says exactly what they think. To many, that looks uncultured or immature.

And yet, very often, these folks are the cleanest on the inside. They’re not busy running calculations or playing politics. They don’t fake harmony to keep up appearances. If they feel something, they show it; if something needs saying, they say it. In a way, that raw honesty is a form of respect. The most straightforward people are often the ones least interested in hiding their true thoughts.

I have a friend like that—classic “act now, explain later.” At dinners, she’s the first to finish; on sidewalks, we half-jog to keep up; in conversation, she doesn’t bother with detours. At first I mistook it for a lack of patience. With time, I realized she’s one of the kindest people I know. When someone’s in a bind, she’s already moving; when she sees something unfair, she steps in; even when money’s tight, she’ll still lend a hand. Her quickness is really a zeal for life. Her bluntness is simply kindness without the sugar coating.

02  A sharp tongue, a soft heart

There’s a line in How to Win Friends and Influence People that stuck with me: the people who truly care about you are often the ones willing to point out your flaws. The friend who “comes at you,” who doesn’t sugar-coat things, can seem harsh on the surface—but that bluntness usually comes from caring.

They won’t ignore your mistakes just to keep the peace, and they won’t flatter you with feel-good nonsense. Instead, they’ll call it straight, even knowing it might sting. Behind that sharp tongue is usually the softest heart.

My college roommate was exactly that. She could be savage with her jokes—roasting us without mercy. When I fell apart after a breakup, she looked me in the eye and said, “How is this helping? Crying won’t bring him back. Put that energy into becoming someone you’re proud of.” I was furious at the time; it felt cold.

Only later did I notice what she did when I was at my lowest: she showed up with breakfast, stayed up past midnight to let me vent, and flat-out refused to let me tank my classes. She said the toughest things—and then did the kindest ones. As Carnegie would say, sometimes the words that hurt most are carrying the deepest kind of love.

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03  The ones who can’t fake it are the truest friends

In an age obsessed with “emotional intelligence,” it’s easy to be dazzled by people who always say the perfect thing and never ruffle feathers. But Carnegie reminds us: overly polished behavior often hides a running calculation underneath.

The friends worth keeping aren’t performers. They might not phrase things beautifully. Their emotions sometimes spill over. They can seem a little out of place at the “right” kind of dinner. And that’s exactly why you can trust them. They’re not cozying up to you for a reason; they’re not whispering behind your back; they’re not inventing excuses when you need help. They’re open books—what they think is on their face, and what they feel shows up in what they do.

Maybe they’re not the “smartest” in a social sense, not the most “seasoned.” But they carry the rarest quality in the room: sincerity.

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A note to end on

Near the close of How to Win Friends and Influence People, the takeaway is simple: life’s real wisdom isn’t learning to be universally liked—it’s learning to spot who’s truly trustworthy.

In a world that prizes packaging, look past the shine. The people who seem “rough around the edges” may be the very ones you should treasure. Their impatience is passion for life. Their directness is a clean heart. And that sharp tongue? It often guards the gentlest soul.

May we all grow the eyes to recognize the good ones when they appear—and keep our own first, honest kindness intact, even in a complicated world.